And Breathe

Just a brief look into the life of a crazy shoe-a-holic, dog-loving, hair-braiding, nail-painting, life-embracing, medical student
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Such a great day! I was post-call yesterday, so after morning rounds I had the rest of the day off. We went to the zoo (again) and we got to watch the gorillas and orangutans get fed! We even got to see the babies!

Then today we went hiking! We hiked to the top of a mountain and around a lake. Our little Chiweenie was super tired, but he was a trooper! He’s going to sleep really well tonight, lol.

Tomorrow I have to prepare for my Pediatric rotation that begins Monday morning! Soon I will write a post on my family medicine experience as how I’m feeling now that 3/6 core rotations are completed, so stay tuned!

End of a 27 hour shift, and end of my family medicine rotation! 3 cores down, only 3 to go! #futuremd #ms3 #tired #oncall #familymed #medstudent

I may not have been happy about waking up super early to work out, but it feels so good after! Stay on track with your fitness goals this weekend, friends! #beachbody #teambeachbody #PiYo #PiYoStrength #fitness #fit #healthyliving #early

THIS is my breakfast?! Heck yes! It gives me energy to make it through rotations all day, study all night, and stay away from junk food! It has all of the vitamins, minerals, and even veggies my body needs while tasting deliciously chocolatey! Plus, I think I find my go-to fall recipe: 1 scoop chocolate Shakeology + 1 cup almond milk + 1 T natural peanut butter + 1/2 T cinnamon + ice = yuuuummmmm! #teambeachbody #beachbody #Shakeology #breakfast #chocolate #healthy #healthyliving #fitness #fit

I study, I read cases, I look up journal articles, yet I still suck at UWorld questions…2 more weeks of studying before my Family Medicine shelf exam…I’m definitely going to need it!

So much to do, yet so little desire to actually do it 😞

To all of my MS1 followers just starting out, this is some pretty solid advice. It also made me think what I would tell my MS1 self. It seems like so long ago that I was a scared/excited/optimistic girl sitting on the plane to a developing country to start my first semester of medical school. I thought I would be like college, just a little harder. Try a lot harder. With our 2-years-in-16-months curriculum, you got it the first time or you were lost. I had to learn how to really study for the first time in my life—it didn’t “just come to me” like everything had in high school or college. I had to really work. I stressed, I cried, I contemplated quitting and just going to work at a zoo the rest of my life (still my back-up plan, by the way, because I love the gorillas) on at least a weekly basis. I guess if I could go and tell my MS1 self anything, it would be to stop trying to be perfect! Work hard, yes. Do your best, yes. But don’t stress yourself out trying to always get an A. Don’t beat yourself up because you didn’t understand that biochem pathway, or had to go to the tutor (just go get the help you need!), or endocrine still makes your head spin. You’ve got this, you’re capable of so much more than you think, and you WILL succeed. So chin up, MS1 self, put in the work, believe in yourself, and go kick some ass!

Well I had the worst day of rotations to date…

This morning started out on a good note with Grand Rounds. Apparently I didn’t have to show up until 10am, but I got there at 9am. No big deal because I learned about paying back student loans (not really the pick-me-up you’re looking for in the morning, lol). One of my colleagues surprised me by bringing me coffee (yay!) to celebrate my anniversary that was over the weekend! Today’s actual presentation was on alcoholism and DTs, which everyone gets to see at one point, so it was very helpful and informative. The medical student portion actually ended by 11am, so I was able to go home, spend some time with my dog, and eat lunch before having to be to the office by 1pm.

Tuesdays at the office are a little different because it’s OB day, and a resident is there. Therefore, I really don’t get to see patients. I got to see one patient in 3 and a half hours…and I didn’t get to see them on my own. It was a follow-up visit so it took all of 5 minutes…With follow up visits I’m basically a fly on the wall, listening to the conversation between my attending and the patient, and not even allowed to participate in the physical exam…It’s frustrating. So I did a whole bunch of nothing with patients today.

But what truly made my day terrible was giving the presentation I prepared for my attending. The only information she gave me was “I want you to do a presentation on asthma.” Nothing was said about her expectations for my presentation. So I followed the set up of the presentation I gave during OB/GYN—very detail oriented, going into all of the pathophysiology, the mechanisms behind each treatment, etc. I prepared a powerpoint that was 34 slides—enough to get me through a half hour to 45 minute presentation. Apparently this was not what she wanted. She stopped me 3/4 of the way through my presentation to inform me that what I was delivering was what she would expect out of a 1st or 2nd year medical student…That alone just crushed me. I am very Type A, and am definitely a perfectionist. I take pride in my work and put a lot of time and effort into everything I do. For her to insult my presentation and my intelligence was too much for me…She continued into how my presentation was sub-par and I tried so hard, but I could feel my face getting red and my eyes watering.

I am NOT a crier in front of people, but the frustration about this rotation for the past 2 and a half weeks just came to the surface and spilled over. I was so embarrassed and I felt stupid and weak for allowing it to happen. When she asked why I was tearing up, I could only get out that I felt like I failed…All I can think of is what a terrible evaluation she’s going to give me, especially now. I excused myself and had to go to the bathroom to just cry it out…

Thankfully it was the end of the day and there were no more patients to see. She then told me not to be embarrassed, but to learn to control it because I should never allow myself to get emotional in internal medicine or surgery because they would not be understanding, and that I would need a thicker skin to be in this business…Then she told me to redo my entire presentation as well as prepare another presentation about acute pancreatitis outpatient management by tomorrow…

I am just dreading going back tomorrow…I hate complaining like this…I want to like Family Medicine so badly because I’m really thinking of going into it, but I have disliked this rotation so much thus far! I like the patients, but I feel like my attending hates me, which makes me anxious and nervous every day…I know I need to just get over it because there will be attendings like this for the rest of my life; no one said it was going to be easy. I just hate that I let her get to me and that I let her see me like that because now I DO feel weak. I am done at this location this week, so I just need to get through the next few days; hopefully the next location will be a better experience for me…

Went to go buy some low black pumps (yay for more professional shoes) and walked out with the shoes, 3 new professional grown-up dresses, plus king-size sheets…Worth it? I think so :)

So this was my first week of family medicine. I want to like family med so much because in the back of my mind I would love to be that small down primary care doctor that knows everyone in town…Honestly, right now I’m just feeling overwhelmed…You literally need to know EVERYTHING because the family med doctors are typically the first to see everything from pneumonia to pregnancy to depression to alcoholism…and so on. 

So my night on call was fortunately (for me) and unfortunately (for y’all) very calm. There were no pressing matters during the night, so I actually got a full night of sleep! Well, as much of a full night as you can get on the super uncomfortable on call room beds, lol. The patients were pretty interesting though. There was a man that was withdrawing from alcohol—thankfully no seizures through the night! There was also a man that we did not know what he had—there was redness spreading over his body, but it didn’t LOOK like cellulitis. I believe when I left the infectious disease team was throwing around the ideas of Toxic Shock Syndrome and Scalded Skin Syndrome. There was also a girl, one week postpartum, that possibly had post-partum depression so we were calling for a psych consult. Our last guy just had a LOT of problems, but was in such good spirits…I guess ignorance truly is bliss because he didn’t seem to realize just how bad off he was. He was just happy to have us all checking in on him. 

I have a bunch to look up and research on patients from last week…I have 3 SOAP notes to write, one that has to have a “very good differential list and work up plan.” I also have to do cases, log patients, and do cases. 

Ever have so much to do that you just want to crawl under the blankets and say “forget it, I’m staying here.” Yeah, that’s me right now. I have so much to do that I literally don’t want to do any of it, though I know I need to. I feel like I always freak out for the first week though…deep breath…and just get it all done tomorrow :)